5 things to know about Mallorca

In preparation for my birthday week, I’ve decided to take a break from all the cultural stuff to have a week of beautiful beaches and beautiful people. Walks down the beach strip listening to street guitarists was just what I needed before the shit-show that is Ibiza.

However, it definitely was not what I expected. Here’s a couple things I learned whilst there:

The island is all Dutch or German

The menus, the people, the promoters, and even the food was Dutch or German. On my four day stay, I met two people who spoke English, both promoters, both hired (presumably) for their English promotional skill set. I’ve been getting along pretty well speaking in Spanish but this was the first time in weeks that I have been completely lost linguistically.

Germans chant a lot

And by a lot I mean a lot. At the beach because a bro shotgunned a beer, a hot girl walked by, or they felt particularly nationalistic. Granted, I have no idea what they’re saying but chanting is chanting and it constantly sounded as if I was part of a fraternity bid day.

The “squad effect”

The lesser-known male version of the cheerleader effect. There was an embarrassing number of times where I thought guys were cute only to take a closer look at them individually and realize that they were old and/or not cute drunken messes. This is especially dangerous when you go to Megarena at night after a couple of drinks and forget to double check.

Sneakers on the beach

WHY. WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS. You’ll get a weird tanline, it’s not location-appropriate, and most of all you look stupid. But it happens all the time and maybe it’s a Dutch/German style thing.

All in all, it was a great for a beach getaway but definitely not what I expected. The worst thing was to expect Koh Phi Phi and instead get Cocoa Beach. 


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